your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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