Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
