Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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