Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
