You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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