The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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