how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
