my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
