I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
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