Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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