Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
