I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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