Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
