I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
