Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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