Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
