i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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