"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
