Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize