Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
