it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
