Dude my mom stole all your condoms
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
