My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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