Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
soo... how was my night?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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