My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
