My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Can Purell be used as lube?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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