If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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