im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
