The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
