Cold hands, warm shart.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
