lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize