I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
