I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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