i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
