He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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