There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
