i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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