life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize