I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
