i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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