i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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