His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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