Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
