the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
no you cant smoke seaweed
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
