Define "chronic" masturbator.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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