You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
