she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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