it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize