nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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