I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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