apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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