I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
