next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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