wanna go halves on a baby?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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