respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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