trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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