dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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