my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize