I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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