When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
