ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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