im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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