There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize