Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
There r osticjed everywhere
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
How does it feel to date your dad?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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