I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
