If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
