Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
my liver is dry heaving
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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